Cavanaugh Park
by mistakes regrets
Summary: Love will eventually take you. Fear will reside in you. Boy, you've got a lot to live up to. Yeah, this pain will eventually kill you... LJ.AU. Rating for safety.
1. Chapter 1

You'd think you could get over this. Friendships are lost everyday.  
You'd think you could get over this. Love isn't lost, only momentarily misplaced.  
You'd think you could get over this. You always were the first one to leave.  
You'd think you could get over this. I guess you can't.

Its hit so close to home. You can't even recognize your own face anymore.

Now who are you supposed to talk to?

Life has this silly way of throwing you curve balls. Or sometimes it can't throw at all, and you've just got a hit to the head. You're down and out for the rest of the game with an ice pack to your cranium. A messy script or a poem written with cliché words and overused phrases, couldn't explain the anguish in this heart.

"You're not as you look. You're not as you feel." Stupid people, stupid phrases. Stupid everything. I hate it. I promise I do. You're just a girl with a story. **EVERYONE** has a story, what's so special about _yours_? I always wanted to believe I was special. This story was special. Come to find out, I'm just like anyone else. We all have problems. Maybe this was how it was supposed to be. I wouldn't know.

It's like when you feel your nose to see if it's too big, but you don't really have anything to compare it to. You don't have another nose. You couldn't tell. You've only got one life. I can't compare it to another life I've lived. Even when you are old you can't look back and compare it to another life. You've got one life, live it like no other. You've got no other. So then how can you live your life like no other? You've got no comparison. How can you know if your like could be any better.

**You just don't.**

Its all guess and check work. Well maybe if I do this, then this will be the outcome. You've got two choices, two paths. Which one do you choose? Which ever one you don't choose, will you spend your life wondering what could have been. You will. I think about it everyday. I wonder all the time.

I've been told that's my weakness. I'm never so sure. Each decision could change my whole life. That's why I'm so scared. Always so scared to take the next step. What if I'm not good enough? What about my goals? Will I be able to achieve greatness?

**You just don't know.**

So how do you feel now? You're lost, I'm lost. We're a world of lost people. Half of us don't know it. I know it. I hope you do too. If we could go back in time, we would end up killing ourselves. We would make on choice, second guess it, and go back and do the other. We would over exert everything we know. You can't change the past.

**You just can't.**

Its one of the things I've learned to accept. It's always easier that way. Why do we all deny what we know is and always will be. What's the point? Denying isn't going to change reality. I could deny my name, but that doesn't change it. I could deny many things. But I don't. I refuse to deny what I know is the truth. Some days I find myself dreaming of a better day. But I don't deny that some days aren't going to be easy.

**You just can't.**

I expect you've grown tired of all of this. I expect I have to. I don't like believing in heartache. I don't like believing in pain. But its there, it will always be there. Whether you like it or not. You can't go through life expecting your story to be any better than hers. That is not how life goes. We all have a story, some of ours get told. Some stay within our souls. Sometimes it claws at us, trying to break free. It never does. We've perfected the art of concealing everything. But I, I am ready to take the plunge into the unknown. I always have been. This is my story…


	2. Stemming A Steady Flow of Red

A/N

First off.  
I wrote the first chapter while I was in an over emotional state. I can not promise that all of my chapters will be as equally emotionally driven as that was. I'm probably not a very good writer. I write when I want. If I wrote when I had to, I wouldn't come off as strong as I needed to. I might not update that often, deal with it. I'm sorry, but I cant make myself write.

Second.  
This fic is somewhat autobiographical. A lot of it will be personally driven. It might be slightly over emotional and I'm sorry if teen angst pisses you off. This might feel rushed, but I'm trying to put what happened in the course of 7 months into a 2 month period. A lot happened so just bare with me. THERE WILL BE DRUG REFERENCES. If you don't like it leave. But that is what this is about.

Third.  
This will be an alternate universe. I have not completely worked out everything in this fic. I'm going to end up featuring the characters as muggles. It would just make everything easier. I am also not British, so don't expect me to type like I'm British. I don't think I am a creative person, but I like to make things my own. This fic will probably be centered around the summer and a park. As you can tell by the title. This will be because a lot of things happened this past summer to me that have changed my life.

Fourth.  
I don't like to think of this as a song fic. Yes it shares the same name as a Something Corporate song and yes it will often have references to the song, but I wouldn't classify it as a song fic. Most song fics are exactly as the song goes, and that's not what I will do. The plot of this story is basically that "something's never do change," which I think is what the song means. So…

Fifth.  
I will include in this fic songs I have written on my own. There are things that will happen in this fic that have happened to me. Hence the autobiography. Don't think that everything in this fic happened to me. Ok?

Sixth.  
Constructive criticism is allowed. Painful, scornful words aren't. I am quite aware that my writing skills aren't up to par. I don't like to edit much of my work because then I don't feel it is raw and full of feeling. I write what I am feeling at the moment and you aren't going to change that.

Seventh.  
This will probably be in the P.O.V. of Lily for most of the fic. It might occasionally switch to a different P.O.V. for a different outlook on the story.

So here we go.

Chapter 1. Stemming A Steady Flow Of Red

Looking back on my choices that summer, I know I wouldn't change them. I know I've lost friends, I know I've made them. Its not the choices that make us, it's the things we don't do that change us. I know I should have been more clear on my feelings, on my intent of things. It should have never gone any farther than I wanted it to. But it did. It went way too far.

They say blood is thicker than water. So losing you shouldn't hurt more than losing my brother. But it does. I watch the blood fall from this cut in my arm and it is washed away in the water from this burning shower, and I know blood doesn't matter. Its not the blood that connects us to people, its their personalities and actions. The way they make us feel when we are sad and lonely.

I can feel the anger coursing through my veins. But its not my veins its my life line. You see this blood is what doesn't link us together. The only thing that stops us from being related. And I would thank God, if he existed, for that. You see if we were related we could have never fallen in love. And fall in love we did.

In that fateful summer. The summer of our lives. The beginning of our lives. The beginning of our death.

"So…" She said to me, looking at me with a serious expression. "By senior year you and Andrea have to have smoked pot."  
"Yeah whatever," I shrug it off. I'll do what I want, when I want.  
"We should smoke next week. Its summer and we've got nothing to do." She took a drag from her cigarette and looked at me. "You want a drag?"

I look at her shrug and take the damn thing. I suck in and splutter out a cough. I take another drag. It's a trivial thing, smoking cigarettes. They don't really do much, but whatever. I hand it to Andrea with a questioning look. She takes a drag and has the same reaction; she though doesn't go back for a second drag. I've yet to come to the conclusion as to why we are passing around a cigarette. We are sitting on a hill in the borough of our town. Right next to the main pizza place off of the main street. Everyone knows me, I know everyone. My family owns a prominent café in the town.

She's my best friend, I'm her best friend. We've known each other since we were 3, but only became friends in kindergarten. 11 years of friendship, 13 years of knowing each other. We've got a pretty special bond. She's like my sister. Her name is Serena.

"Lets go to the park." I stand up dusting off my shorts and smiling at my 2 best friends. The LSD trio as we prefer to call ourselves.  
"Lily, that's stupid. Why don't we just go to my house?" Serena looks at me like I'm insane.  
"No we should go to the park and lay around. No one will be there at this time anyways." I start to walk away and they follow me. Rarely does a fight break out between us, never between me and Serena. Its just how it goes. I can hear them slowly following me, skeptical of this. Though, that would be the normal.  
"I can't believe we are going to the park. Who does that?" I hear Andrea mumbling as she slowly drags her feet. The sun is setting and the borough is closing down. There isn't much left to do.  
"C'mon I'm leaving in a month and I wont be back until school starts, lets make the most of it." I turn around and they just shrug. Serena takes out two cigarettes and hands one to me. She lights hers and then hands me the lighter, where I proceed to light up. No one is around and I'm not scared of the consequences too often.

It's quiet as we walk down the street and onto the path to the park. We just look at the scenery and take in the beauty of the summer and the setting sun. When we finally get to the park we lay down in the middle of the field. Our silence is interrupted by my phone ringing.

"Hello?" My "phone voice" sends the two other girls into a fit of giggles.  
"No. I'm staying at her house."  
"Yes, I know. Ok Bye." I hang up the phone as quickly as possible. My mom and I rarely get along anymore. As it slowly gets darker we decide to head back to Serena's house. It's the first night of summer and so far its looking up.

When we get to her house we search for food. We turn on the TV, we laugh, we talk, and we enjoy each other's company. This is a regular night at Serena's house. We always stay at her house. Her parents are never home, we've got a lot of freedom there. Sometimes guys will come over. Sometimes we will just pass out on her floor with too much alcohol in our system for anyone's own good.

The door bell rings. We stand up and head to the door. As we open up the door we see 3 guys. There names are James Potter, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin.

"Potter," I smile at him, he smiles back. "What are you doing here?"  
"Well my sweet Lily," He gives me that sickly sweet smile and hugs me. "We heard there was going to be a hot party here."  
"Oh yeah? Who told you that?" Serena gives him a look and Black barges into the conversation.  
"A little birdie." He smiles at her and she just laughs.  
"Whatever." She opens the door for them to enter in more. James hugs me even more and I just smile. We've known each other forever too. We pretend to hate each other, but its just for fun. We like messing with people's heads. We just like being ourselves. And for now, everything is perfect. Everything is perfect…

This was just the beginning. This was just the end to a normal life. Sometimes I wish I never did what I did. Sometimes I wish that everything would go the fuck away. It never fucking does. It never fucking will. We all have to deal with the consequences of our actions. We all have to take the blame of what is ours. This is our problem, this is my problem.

I hate myself. I never used to, but now I do. A lot can change in 20 minutes. A lot can change in 1 minute. You can't control it, but it will take you along for the ride. And now, I can't take the smell of alcohol, unless its in my hand. When I smell that liquid, I get the insatiable need to drink until I pass out. When I smell that lingering smell of cigarettes I can't help but need to smoke. And, I hate myself for it. I hate myself for everything I've done, and everything I didn't do. I hate what I do, but it makes me feel better. I hate drinking till I pass out; smoking pot till I'm incapable of standing, but it makes me feel so good.

"You've got a problem." She says to me.  
"I know." I say as a tear falls down my face. I'm willing to admit I'm an alcoholic. I'm not willing to admit I'm addicted to these drugs. No I'm not.

_i've been sleeping with ghosts  
i've been watching stars  
crawling out of the sky  
and i've been hoping  
i'm close to the space man movies  
i call my life_

_and i've been  
watching stars coming off of the wall  
and maybe if i'm lucky i can catch them  
before you fall  
and you are not alone_

_calling out to the astronaut  
i need some of what you've got  
i need to be high  
crawling out of the world she brought  
calling out to the astronaut  
i need to be high_

_i've got you to propel me  
but i still need so much  
not to be alone_

_and you are not alone  
you are not alone  
you are not alone _

_calling out to the astronaut  
i need some of what you've got  
i need to be high  
crawling out of the world she brought  
calling out to the astronaut  
i need to be high_

_and i've got you to propel me  
but i still need so much_

_The Astronaut-Something Corporate_


	3. This is undone

I re read this story. And I got the insatiable need to vomit all over myself. I'm not one with words. I wrote this story when drugs were out of the question. My best friend was gone. But everything is better now. I've never been so high in my life. You can judge me and criticize me, but it just goes right past me. Don't be so quick to judge what you don't know. If there is one thing you can take away from anything, it is don't be quick to judge.

I've spent my life judging people. And I sit here and think, I've become the one thing I've always judged. You have to look beyond the stereotypes. Don't believe what you've heard. Assuming only makes an ass out of you and me.

I cant continue this and be happy with myself. Thinking about it makes me sick. I just thought I would let people know. And if I could I would finish everything. But some things need to be left undone.


End file.
